One Year Anniversary

This month is one year since admitting that my mental health had taken a hard, deep nosedive south. The sexual assault that had occurred became the icing on the cake. Prior to this, life had gotten hard both at work and personally. I felt alone, worn out, and in a dark place.

I had dark thoughts but I wasn’t about to tell anyone! I was talking to a therapist, but in my experience, most therapists didn’t know how to talk to someone thinking about suicide. Nor did they want the responsibility upon them. Instead of taking care of their own client, they’d call the police or force them to the psychiatric ward. There wasn’t any way I was about to be honest with my therapist and tell her where my head was at exactly.

I had been talking to this therapist for several months but I still didn’t trust her. She had told me many times that if I was ever to tell her I was having suicidal thoughts, she wouldn’t call the police, or force me to the ER and psych ward. I didn’t believe her, but I had come to the point that I had to do something. Either I had to tell my therapist where my head was at, or I had to follow through with my thoughts. I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop.

This particular appointment in the middle of February, I finally told my therapist exactly what was going on in my head. I told her I had stopped taking my meds but that I was still having them filled at the pharmacy in order to stockpile them, you know, just in case I needed them. I didn’t have a specific plan, but I was heading down a very dark path.

My therapist talked to me like a human being. She never called the police. I never saw the hospital or the psych ward. But she did tell me she wanted me to go to Shatterproof, a program in Florida specifically for military/veterans and first responders. That terrified me! But through lots of talking and convincing, that’s where I went a couple of weeks later. Usually, I wouldn’t have been allowed to take a couple of weeks, but I had a couple of BIG projects I couldn’t leave unfinished. I also kept in regular contact with my therapist.

I was at Shatterproof for 40 days. Sure, I could focus on the issues and negative experiences I had with the staff, especially before getting to the actual Shatterproof program. But I won’t, because those problems were confronted and I learned to stand up for myself. Overall, the program and people there changed my life.

One of the biggest things that happened for me was Ketamine. We carry Ketamine on the ambulance at work for pain and behavioral. I had never heard of Ketamine being used for depression or PTSD. But here I was. The downside of Ketamine is the cost. They wanted $500 a treatment and encouraged you to do 6 treatments while there. Now, I didn’t have $3,000 in my possession. I told my therapist at home this, but she encouraged me to ask a few friends for help. I detest asking people for money or help! But I did it anyway. Within a short time of sending out a text message to max of 12 people, one friend in particular responded and said that through a group he works with, the entire $3,000 would be taken care of! Whoa!!! I was absolutely floored! This is the shit that happens for everyone else and never for me, yet here I was. I will be forever thankful to this friend and his group because for me, Ketamine has been life changing.

The other best thing about being at Shatterproof was my roommate. We’d have our nightly debriefings about the day’s events, and the bullshit some people had thrown out into the group sessions, instead of actually being honest. There was plenty of drama, but you’ll have that in a group of 50+ people. We stayed away from it. My roommate loved the days I had a Ketamine treatment and refused to allow me to cook anything on the stove! I guess she was convinced I would burn down the state of Florida! 🤣

Shatterproof has a zoom meeting every Friday night. It’s a time to check in and to seek/give encouragement as needed. We also have a chat with peeps who attend the zoom meeting in order to continue the support during the week, and not just on Friday evening. These peeps have become my people. I check in on them, and them on me. They will also call me out on bullshit or if I’m not being completely honest.

I became known as Pickles (surprise, surprise) and made pickle related food each weekend for the cookout on Sunday afternoon. I even made pickle ice cream, and 2 other flavors, which were a hit. I will be forever thankful for most of the staff at Shatterproof, those that truly love their work, because it shows.

The last year has been hard but full of growth. It has also been the best year of my life when considering the things that truly matter, such as having support and friends to lean on. It has also been lonely because not everyone who had been in my life was ready for that growth. They get left behind because they no longer know me. And that’s ok.

I tell my story to tell you that while it’s cliche, it’s still true that it’s ok to not be ok. It actually shows courage to ask for help and is in no way weakness. And for anyone who is struggling, please talk to someone you trust. If you don’t have anyone, leave a comment with contact information so that I can help you find resources, especially if you are a veteran/military or first responder. There is help out there. You aren’t beyond help. You ARE worth fighting for.

In My Corner

I take my support system seriously, especially in the last year or so. I’ve worked hard to make sure each person is truly interested in being a positive influence in my life, as well as being in my corner. I’ve had to walk away from people that I love with all my heart and up to this point, really couldn’t imagine life without them. But here I am….without them. And narcissists…..are automatically cut out. Doesn’t matter who they are, and even if they are family.

For more than two years, I’ve been on this app that’s for people either in recovery from drugs/alcohol or for mental health. Many on the app are there for both. I’m there for mental health. The app is vastly different and improved from where it was when I first joined. Then, there were message boards or the option to private message someone, but NOBODY ever responded. Now, there’s very active message boards, almost daily meetings on zoom, and still the option to private message one of the peers…..and OMG! They actually respond!

A week ago Monday, an incident happened with me and the app. The details of the incident don’t matter here. But it triggered a lot of feelings and emotions from my past traumas, such as abandonment, hurt, loss of trust, let down, and rejected. I posted on the boards and my post was taken down, which added to my feelings, and increased my emotions. I reached out to a friend I’ve made on the app, and she validated what I was feeling. I voiced my concerns and opinion to the peer involved, but he was very narcissistic in his response. I reached out to other peers that I trusted, and eventually, to the original peer’s supervisor.

I was on the verge of leaving the app for good because of this particular peer’s behavior and especially his response regarding his words and actions. I may still leave, I’m currently undecided. Either way, I’ve been told that what happened shouldn’t have been handled in the manner that it was. I’ve been told that my feelings and emotions towards what happened are valid. And I was told that the other peers were in my corner.

I did get to have a zoom meeting with the problem peer and his supervisor. He apologized, but his supervisor did most of the talking. I had 4 pages of notes that I read in the meeting, but I still felt like the problem peer didn’t see anything wrong with his part in the incident. I told the problem peer and his supervisor in regards to his words, actions, and response that actions speak louder than words. Also, I said that time will tell.

Currently, I’m at the place of just ignoring the problem peer in every way. Sometimes he posts topics on the message boards and I won’t respond to those. If he’s in a zoom meeting, I may leave or at least, turn my camera off, and when/if he speaks in the meeting, I can mute him. In my book, this peer is a narcissist until HE proves otherwise.

I struggle with the thought of leaving the app completely because most of the peers and people on the app have become like a family to me. They have obtained my trust and provided a safe place to talk about anything and everything, from my animals to work, to struggles and the dark times. But besides just receiving support, I’ve also tried to be there and encourage others. And those who are in recovery for drugs or alcohol have taught me a lot and have changed my perspective regarding that population. I’ve never been of the at one time opinion among first responders that overdoses should have a 3 times and your out kind of attitude. But we all have made bad decisions and all have, or have had, negative coping mechanisms. If it takes 37 times of giving a person Narcan for them to get clean, then by all means, it should be done.

I May Crumble

Have you ever been pissed off angry! That’s how I feel, unless I push it back into it’s hole and ignore it. I feel like if I face it head on, I will crumble. I’ve been through lots of trauma and bad, unfair experiences before. But this beats all of them. This is bigger than the rest. I’m angry about the whole situation with my Twinny. Yes, I’m angry that she was shot. But even more than that, I’m angry that the scum of a human being that chose to do it is dead. Instead of being a man and facing the consequences of his actions, he was a pansy and chicken shit and killed himself. Somebody might say “he had this or that wrong with him”. Bullshit! PTSD doesn’t make anybody plan a murder/suicide months ahead of time. He knew exactly what he was doing!

I’m angry at his family because he told two family members the day of that he was going to kill himself. But they didn’t do anything. Maybe he’s said that before, I don’t know. But if a friend or family member came to me and said the same thing, I wouldn’t just blow it off. I hold his family responsible, not for his actions, but because they did nothing. It seems like this would be easier if the scum bag was alive and had consequences to face. There would possibly be answers to questions that instead, will never be answered.

I’m angry because for the rest of Twinny’s life (more than likely), she will have complications from this. She has lost everything that life was and used to be: her career, some friends, her independence, being able to drive, etc. She’s handled it all amazingly, but still. It isn’t fair! It would be easier if there was an ending to all her difficulties that she faces and will face because of this. But for now, there isn’t.

I’m angry at her doctors because nobody wants to dig deeper and find out why some of her symptoms are persistent and seemingly getting worse. They just blame it on the TBI and say “it’s too soon to know”. Maybe there’s something she could do to keep things from getting worse. I don’t know. I really don’t have a clue. But it’s like they are all content and don’t want to fight for her, their patient.

I’m glad this POS is dead! I know he was somebody’s son/father/brother blah blah blah! I don’t care what he was because he attempted to murder my twin sister and for some unknown reason, wanted her dead. He is a piece of scum pansy ass in my book and always will be.

I don’t know how to deal with this anger other than alternate between writing and ignoring it. I feel like if I face it, I will crumble. Sorry, not sorry for the language. Don’t judge me. Just being totally honest.

Where I’m supposed to be.

Years ago, when I came home from college and told my mother that I wanted to be an EMT and wasn’t planning to go back to college after the winter break, I was met with WWIII on my hands. My parents told me things like “EMS was a man’s world” and “you have to have a college degree to have a good job”. This was really the first time I had gone against them in my 20+ years of life. They had wanted me to be a school teacher, but I hated all the speech classes and having to be in front of everybody. Through the years, I’ve been told things like “you’re too quiet for EMS” and “you’re too dumb”. Seems like most of my life, I’ve been too much or not enough for one group or another of people. But I’ve worked hard to get to where I’m at, and at times, it has been an uphill struggle through a lot of junk.

I grew up going to church but walked away from it when I left home in my 20’s. If God was the god I grew up with, I didn’t want anything to do with him. Since then, I’ve meandered into a church here or there, most of which tell me things to the extent of “you need to find a different career so you can be in church every Sunday”. I walk away from that because that’s nails on a chalkboard (I’m old, ok) to me. (Sounds like another blog topic.)

Every so often, something happens that lets me know I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. Many times, it’s a call I respond to at work. Sometimes it is something else. But this weekend, such a call occurred. To me, I was just doing my job. But to my partner and to that family, apparently it was more than “just doing my job”. Yeah, anybody else could have responded to and handled that call. But maybe a different crew wouldn’t have been as patient or calm like that family needed in that moment. I honestly believe that there’s a specific reason why I respond to the calls that I do. Sometimes I know that reason, most of the time I don’t. But like I’ve said in a previous blog, a paramedic wears many hats. Most of my job as a paramedic isn’t about giving medications or putting a breathing tube down somebody’s throat. Most of my job is simply being a decent, caring, respectful human being that simply cares about others.

I’ve been through a lot of ugliness in my personal life…some because of the choices of others, some of my own doing. But through it all, I know that all the shit I’ve been through and have had to deal with in my own life has made me a much better paramedic. I’ve had two choices: become hateful and bitter or let it make me a better medic. I choose the latter.

I’m not writing this to toot my own horn, but to encourage you, as well as myself, to keep moving forward. Wherever you are at in this moment, it may seem like a hopeless, never ending battle. But if you know for sure that you are doing the right thing for you, keep pressing forward. People will always be negative and attempt to discourage you, and hold you back. In the end, you will get to your goal, if you don’t quit.